Onion – The only vegetable capable of self-defense. Impossible to cook without.
Brussel Sprout – Still my favorite to win it all after last year’s impressive post-season run. It’s a tasty, miniature cabbage. When I’m eating them I like to imagine they’re little crunchy marinated chipmunk skulls. Ok no I don’t, and you’re right, that’s gross.
Cauliflower – Great name. What is a cauli? Is that a tree? Only albino version of another vegetable.
Artichoke – Just a badass, deadly-sounding dude of a vegetable. Deadly.
Asparagus – It can make your pee more horribler smelling.
Peas – Why did it take me thirty years to realize that this vegetable is the plural of ‘pee’? Good for rolling. Only spherical vegetable.
Celery – For when you run out of floss.
Corn – Or else what would there be in your throw up?
Spinach – The liver of vegetables.
Garlic – Good for masking finger smells. Like when you’ve been scratching your butthole. Then you go cook something with garlic in it and no one will know!
Shallot – Why do recipes call for shallots? Where are all these shallots? What is a shallot, anyway? Gene Shallot?
Jicama – For when you wanted packing peanuts in your salad, but you already ate all the packing peanuts.
Beet – Mr. Stainy.
Potato – Potato, you stupid, ugly vegetable. I would feel bad for the potato if it just weren’t so … ugly. Just, go look at a potato that’s starting to sprout. You’ll know what I mean. If I really wanted to insult someone I would tell them “Potato-face”. I can’t think of anyone I dislike enough to say that to. Yes, I know it’s a tuber.
Carrots – Usually safe, just don’t eat a whole bag. Long story. Ulcers.
Oh You Know, Like Bruno 