Dubuque – IA
I, Glornak, author of one of the best-selling motivational books of all time, creator of two highly succesful hot dog stands, and current Republican presidential primary front-runner, have slain the evil Rubber Band, and freed our country from its power.
Hey look, for too long Americans have watched as other nations surpassed us in military power, international prestige, wealth, and hot dog stands. This country, eight years ago, in a moment of national idiocy, we allowed the Rubber Band into the White House, and what did we get? It’s a disaster.
Last night, I finally decided I’d had enough. As I sat in my hotel room eating fried chicken, I saw the Rubber Band’s face on the television, and I thought, what a stupid, incompetent moron. What a lightweight.
I would never wrap a hot dog with a rubber band like that. I would never use a rubber band like that to tightly bundle my sagging testicles to my left leg, to avoid smushing them when I walk.
No! That’s not what you get from Glornak! That’s not how I do things!
So, I got on the plane, and I put on my hair, and bundled my nuts, and I went over there, and I just slaid him! Probably. Almost certainly.
I just really had to slay that stupid, ridiculous Rubber Band because it had to be done, and none of these other guys have the bundled nuts to do it.
Maybe? It’s possible. I don’t know. It’s sad. Most likely I did slay him, but I don’t know, I can’t remember. I did, probably, slay him. Let’s see how they do with that.